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Freaky Friday: Why You Should Never Fake An Orgasm.

Freaky Friday: Every Friday a new post dealing with love, relationships, dating...and anything else the human soul may need answered.

About 14 or so years ago, I learned never to lie about an orgasm.  I learned this the hard way.  

So there I was,  in the dorm room of this tall handsome, overly confident guy I had been dating. We did the normal college dating dance; Sweatpants (before yoga pants), pizza and beer.  He put on some sweet, sweet jams and we sat and listened to music.  Because he was in college, he had little to no game and decided to put all his cards on the table. He informed me in no uncertain terms, he was a master of cunnilingus.

The pizza and beer began to settle, and the more he talked about it, I was curious. Was he an oral sex god?  I thought I didn’t have anything to lose, so I told him he could go for it.  We started to kiss and from there, well you can guess!   About five minutes in, I wanted to punch the girls that had been lying to him.  He wasn’t great, as he was boasting.  He wasn’t even ok.  He was the worst.  Not only that, but his ego made it worse. After about 10 minutes he took a pause, “See!  The best you’ve ever had right!?!”  I tried to be nice, “Um, I’m not sure.  Keep trying.”  I knew it wasn’t me.  It felt like a limp, cold fruit roll up being dropped randomly on my naughty bits.  I began to help him out, “No!” he said, “I know what I’m doing.  Trust me.”  I had been trusting him for 20 minutes at this point and he didn’t know what he was doing.  I told him, “It doesn’t take me this long.  I think women have been lying to you.”  Maybe that wasn't the best thing to say, but I was young and frustrated. I hate when a guy has a big ego and nothing to back it up. Plus, I know my own body, how dare he not take a few pointers!  

After this experience, I knew that men and women of the world were doing each other a disservice by not being honest with each other.  I understand trying to not hurt someone’s feelings, and certainly one must tread lightly in regard to sex and the other person’s ego, but to tell someone they are amazing in bed when they are not is just wrong.  

About two years or so before this, I was kissing someone I thought was my soulmate.  We were in the middle of Upper Main Street Nantucket.  It was raining and the full moon lit up his tanned skin and green eyes.  It was pure magic.  He stopped after a while.  “Can I say something?  Please don’t be offended.”  Of course, I replied.  We are soulmates, I thought, there’s nothing he could say that would hurt me.  “You’re not a very good kisser.”  My heart sank.  The look on my face must have been one of devastation.  “Don’t worry.  I can teach you.  Someone taught me.  Everyone needs to learn how to do it.”  Up until this point I thought I was awesome at it.  My boyfriends seemed to be very happy with the way I kissed.  I had no idea, and I was completely embarrassed but I put my ego aside. “Teach me then.”  I said, and he showed me a few tricks.  He explained that the goal is not to eat someone’s head, but to keep your mouth opened slightly, to not move your tongue around like you’re afraid the other tongue is going to get you, or worse, rapidly move the tongue from side to side or in and out like a frog trying to catch a fly.  Clearly, those pointers stuck with me!

The lessons here are as follows: don’t lie, try to teach and be open to learning.  There is no room for ego in the bedroom! It should be about the joint experience, which means giving and taking a little direction here and there will be necessary. 'Faking it' helps no one, especially not yourself! 


~Stay Well~